The Jammy Dodger Rule Book

There’s a certain level of skill involved in being ‘jammy’, although plenty of you will argue it’s just a matter of fortune.

“You’re just lucky,” you’ll say, with a flash of contempt in your eyes. To be honest, I’m happy for you to believe it. After all, if we all had the luck you lament in me, mine wouldn’t be so potent. If I’m honest, there are some occasions where luck does help, but that’s more of a cherry on top of the cake. Or a cherry on top of the jam-on top of the cake. So, for now, we will leave it aside. Instead, I want to illustrate the rule book. In almost all instances, three techniques can turn a sticky situation sweet.

Rule one: confidence and awareness. This rule is already well known, although most people still ignore it. It’s important to remember; no matter how many gadgets we tuck in our pockets or wear on our wrists, we are still simple and physical. People respond to smiling faces, lingering gazes and firm handshakes. There’s a reason the Underground still plays that message every few minutes… ‘See it, Say it, Sort it.’ It’s never been ‘Text it, Post it, Like it.’ And see it, say it, sort it, stands as a good motto for us too. See it: read the room, and adapt accordingly. Confidence shows itself in lots of different ways depending on the environment. Developing a keen awareness is something we all should do, but for those who want to perfect the art of jamminess, it’s imperative.

At a party, confident people are those that hold court, not those running over to whoever is next to say or do something. Instead, they lean against a wall or a table and wait for the conversation to come to them, which it inevitably does. On the other hand, at a library or in a classroom, confident people are those who take it seriously and lose themselves in their work. Allen F. Morgenstern, credited with the line ‘work smarter, not harder’ was inevitably a part of the Jammy guild. If you are walking down the street, walk down the street! Avoid the temptations to distract yourself. After all, confident people don’t remove themselves from their environment; they engage with it wholeheartedly. Say it: whatever you decide to say, say it with your chest. No one is going to believe you if you don’t. Think about how we talk to babies or dogs; it’s not the words but the tone and the pace. And lastly, sort it: hopefully, the first two will take care of the latter, and it’ll be sorted for you. But all of this is just bumper sticker lines. So let me tell you a story.

Back in my university days, when I was broke and at the height of my scheming, I could hardly afford to go out. It’s the typical student dilemma, all the time and will to party but without the funds to support it. One week I was particularly broke. I’d lost a bunch of money at the casino the day before, exhausting the upper limit of my well-utilised overdraft. The queue outside the bar was long, as usual. Our group inched forwards, and I couldn’t help but wonder why I was bothering. I’d only be turned around at the door because I couldn’t afford the entry. But then, as I took in the scene, I noticed a weak point. The bouncers were and had been since we arrived, jovial. They were loud and loose with their word to one another, so by the time I stood in front of them, I knew all I needed to.

“Mickey, how’s it going? I hear you’re off on holiday tomorrow?” Mickey looks at me like you look at people you aren’t sure you know.

“Yeah, Ibiza. Me and the boys from home,” He replies, and I know then that I have him. He’s decided to go along with it. Maybe he thinks I’m someone he should know.

“And how’s your boy Dave? Did he score any more goals last weekend?” Dave’s easier because Mickey has already surrendered.

“Only the one, but an assist as well. He’ll be a pro if he keeps going.” Dave says, and we all laugh like it’s an inside joke we’ve all heard a thousand times.

“That’s your retirement sorted then.” Out of the corner of my eye, I notice everyone I’ve come with has paid and slipped on into the noise.

“Boys, I’ll speak to you later, I better catch up with this lot,” I say, pointing into the strobing lights.

“Catch you later, mate,” Mickey says, and I’m in and for nothing other than a few kind words.

There are plenty more examples of the See it, Say it, Sort it rule, but I won’t bore you with the rest.

Rule two: Feed for Free, Bore to Buy. This rule is another that shouldn’t come as a shock, but again, it’s so often ignored that I have to mention it. Never forget people love talking about themselves, especially when they meet someone new. In addition, people hate listening, especially to your boring stories. So it stands to reason that whenever you meet someone new, all you have to do is feed them with topical ammunition. This is particularly good because they quickly provide a self-portrait. And when the questions get volleyed back to you, be short and snappy. Give them an answer that will give them time to breathe and lob the ball back. Feed their ego with questions and engage in what they’re saying. If you can get someone to feel good about themselves, they’ll give you whatever they can. Case and point…

Every few months, I like to go away by myself. Nothing resets the mind as much as a week or two alone on the road. And this is where rule two comes in most handy.

Last year I found myself in Morocco, a country of sun, sand, and sales. I stayed in a small traditional city house with a roof terrace and a cube of hashish hidden in a desk drawer. Down the road stood a little café; crammed with a mismatch of locals and tourists, Moroccan art and spinning fans. A drifting scent of coffee and incense led me there. The owner stood behind his bar, twisting and twirling his way through his duties. So on my first visit, I only engaged in the obligatory pleasantries. He was too busy to be disturbed. Perhaps that’s a sub-rule; pick your moments. My second visit found him leaning, unbothered, and I took my opportunity.

“It’s less busy today,” I say, smoothing my entry.

“Much less,” he replies in a thick accent.

“Do you often have so many tourists?”

“Depends on the month. Summer less so, spring many.”

“Is this your place?”

“Yes, for many years.”

“So you’re a true businessman,” I state rather than ask, and he seems to love my assessment. Now he’s no longer leaning but standing with pride.

“You see well, my friend. And I have more.”

“What do you mean more? More businesses?”

“Yes, yes. I have two cafés like this. A restaurant on the coast… and a hotel in the desert.”

“Not bad… is the hotel one of the fancy camps or a backpacking place,” I asked. This is a small but important addition. Once you’ve got someone listing their achievements, it’s always good to sow a seed of friendly doubt. I’m saying, prove it, without punching his snout directly.

“My hotel is very nice, one of the best in the desert.”

“I’ve always seen these types of hotels on Instagram. Can you see many stars? Where I live, you can hardly see any.”

“You can see them all.”

“Maybe one day, when I’ve saved enough pennies, I’ll book a visit.”

“You should, it will be worth it, I promise,” He says and hands me a card with the hotel’s website. Then sensing a few people behind me, I take a seat and enjoy my coffee under the sun. There are few things business people like less than losing money. But it’s also a little stroke of luck because the Brits behind me are rude and uncompromising. Once they are gone, he comes to my table.

“Why are people like this?” he asks, sipping his coffee and smoking a fresh cigarette.

“Some people are just rude,” I say. “Your coffee is great, don’t listen to them. They are used to Starbucks.”

“Argh,” he chuckles, “we have Starbucks too. It’s terrible.”

“It is.”

“So my friend, I’m going to the hotel tomorrow morning. How long will you stay here? Maybe you want to stay a few nights there.”

“I’m staying for the weekend. But I think your hotel is too nice for me. I’m on a budget.”

“No budget. You come, I have places free for you. And you can see what stars look like,” he replies, slapping my knee. It turns out his hotel was indeed very nice. And not only could you see all the stars but whole galaxies as well.

Like the first rule, there are lots of other examples. But this is my favourite because it plays out in such an unassuming way. Of course, I might have left the café that day without speaking to Mo again, although I did wait as long as I could, hoping he might offer something like that. But the main lesson is kindness. Even when there’s a frustrating language barrier or cultural indifferences. Kindness and curiosity will put you in the best positions to squeeze the sweetness out of people.

Rule three: find a partner in crime. You can achieve a lot alone, but the age-old saying ‘two minds are better than one’ is rarely wrong. If you’ve experienced success alone, it’s easy to fool yourself into thinking there’s no need. Perhaps another sub-rule is to remind yourself of your failures. Not that you need to lament over them, that’s nothing other than toxic. But a reminder now and again is good for the jammy soul. Those little reminders are another reason why it’s important to find that partner in crime sooner rather than later. Not only can they keep you out of danger, but they can also multiply your chances of striking gold. Or to continue the metaphor, Jam.

There are all types of people in the world, and you’ll likely interact with them all, which means others playing the same games as you. When something like that happens, the numbers come into play.

I met my partner in one of those dark and noisy bars, and only after getting into an argument with a bouncer and pleading with him to say. There are few occasions when pleading gets you anywhere, but see rule one for a clue as to when and where it can be used. You have to examine your environment. And fortunately, this was one occasion where it could be used. Anyway, that’s not the story I want to tell.

The power of the partner shows itself in a few ways; risk management, multiplied luck, and, sustainability. You’ll see examples everywhere if you look carefully enough. But let me tell you a recent story. Side note: not all partners are created equal.

I had, not for the first time, overstepped the mark. And although I couldn’t see it, there was a massive hole in the road ahead, and I decided to squeeze the throttle. All hypothetical, of course. Jammy Dodgers don’t get caught speeding. Practically speaking, I’d been negotiating with a swindler, caught at my own game. My negotiation was stern and quick, and maybe that’s why I was too proud to see clearly. I was told a car was waiting for me for a thousand pounds and with only fifty thousand miles on the clock.

“Look what I’ve got us. It’s a tasty little find,” I say triumphantly.

“Oh no, what have you done,” she says, sensing my illy found pride.

“It’s below budget, scratchless and has an MOT for six months. Here… look,” I say, pulling out the photos. There’s a pause, some precise zooming and a sigh.

“Don’t tell me you’ve already brought it?”

“I’m going tomorrow.”

“No, you are not. Look at your photos carefully,” she says, and I zoom in on the spots she’s pointing to. “And…? What do you see?”

“The new rims he put on last week.”

“Why would someone put on expensive new rims on a shitty car they want to sell?”

“Good point. But maybe they heightened the value.”

“Nooo they don’t! And even if that was true, these pictures are photoshopped.”

Needless to say, I avoided that fraudulent purchase and saved money driving to the other side of London. One might say it was luck. Maybe in another dimension, I’d have gone without telling her, as a surprise. But that’s not the point, and in that case, it would be just as plausible the car might have ended up being a Ferrari. The takeaway is that two minds are greater than one, particularly if you find someone well-versed in the Jammy arts.

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